Friendship - No Sweeter Thing

[Amber]

Ashstar had been glad that Bramblestripe had decided to come with her. Nothing could have made her more happy than to be with her best friend, just like old times. He had said to lead the way, and she had let her paws do the walking. It didn't matter where she went, just somewhere away from camp. It's what she needed. Something stress-free and relaxing.

The hardest part of the trip was to not think. She was used to always thinking, always having to think. It was nice just to have nothing in her mind. It was surprisingly easy for her to keep her mind clear, especially having Bramblestripe with her. She still regreted ignoring him for several moons, forgetting completely about him. But no more, not when she realized what she had lost. The one cat who knew absolutely everything about her, who had been with her for as long as she could remember. Yes she had her brother, but having Bramblestripe was better.

Noticing the direction her paws were taking her, she smiled slightly. She hadn't been to the Owl Tree in a while. It was the place her father used to take her when she was an apprentice, just the two of them to enjoy life. Even when she was made a warrior the two would go and just watch the scenery.

Turning around to face her companion as they finally reached the tree she purred. "I've missed this place. Last time I was here was the day I was made deputy. I guess it has been longer than I thought."

[:c a i:]

Bramblestripe smiled slightly at Ashstar's obvious pleasure at being out by the Owl Tree. He hadn't been in a while either, he'd been here so often with Ashstar that it felt wrong to come without her. But now he was back, and a curious mix of emotion was stirring inside him. He gazed up at the great, old tree and wished for the old, simple days of being an apprentice. Back before Ashstar was always caring for everyone else, always thinking about how much fresh-kill was on the pile, and who would lead the patrols, and whether the elders were comfortable. This moment was the closest they would ever get to a simple life together.

How easy, he thought, it would be if he could simply blurt out what he felt for her and find out whether she felt the same. How easy it would be if she were not the leader and was allowed to feel the same way. But it was not easy. It would never be easy, not for them. A faint breeze brushed past him, seemingly agreeing with him as it whistled over his fur. He let out a sigh, dragging his gaze down to Ashstar.

"Time flies." He said in reply to her musings. "You shut your eyes and suddenly you're not an apprentice anymore." He meowed regretfully, thinking back over his own past. "You have to seize every moment you can, or else you'll miss it altogether." He frowned. It was as if he were trying to tell himself something, rather than Ashstar. What would happen if he did seize the moment and tell her? Just tell her everything. But he held back, unwilling to risk his friendship and the whole future on a simple declaration.

[Amber]

"Oh don't remind me. I wish we were still apprentices, I think that was the one time in my life I was actually enjoying everything. I had both you and Frostwind to talk to, but well we all know Frostwind is a bit much at times." Ashstar mused. It really was fun talking about her brother sometimes, especially when he wasn't hovering over her.

"I wish I could seize every moment. But every moment I have is spent taking care of the Clan. I knew that it would be a lot* of work, but still, I wonder what my life would have been like if Frostwind had been made deputy that day instead of me. I would be able to spend all my time with you, something that I would have loved. Now I spend my time dividing it out between everyone." she sighed and curled her tail around her paws.

Ashstar's green gaze swept up to look at the tree. She remembered trying to climb the tree as an apprentice, only to be grabbed by her brother and dragged back to camp. That was also the day she had pulled more pranks on him than usual. She smiled at the thought.

[:c a i:]

"What would have happened between us..." Bramblestripe drifted off, wavering between simply falling silent and finishing his sentence. He was dangerously close to pushing the subject of him and Ashstar as something other than best friends; a subject he had long since banished to the back of his mind. He was afraid if he let his feelings near the surface, he would never be able to silence them and would end up hurting Ashstar, and getting hurt himself.

"What would have happened between us if you hadn't become deputy?" He could not help himself from blurting out the rest of the sentence. His intense gaze had been unblinkingly fixed on Ashstar, but now he had voiced his mind, he found it impossible to look at her and instead followed her gaze up at the tree. Flashes of the past drummed in his mind's eye, painfully real memories surfacing as he remembered laughing and daring his friends to climb higher, higher, always higher. Both he and Ashstar had aimed for the stars together. His only sorrow was that she had left him behind on her climb.

[Amber]

Realizing that Bramblestripe was saying something, the she-cat blinked in confusion at first. He had started to say something, then had stopped. Had she done something stupid again? A confused look appeared on her face as she thought about this for a moment. What could she have done to make him not want to continue with his sentence? Ashstar didn't put much more thought into it until she heard him start the sentence again, this time able to complete it.

She couldn't speak at first, a bit afraid to actually say what she really wanted to say outloud, it would mean admitting her feelings for the tom she had considered a brother for way too long. The feelings were stirring back up, but she knew she couldn't admit this to him, not now. Not ever.

"I-" she started out, trying to be careful to choose her words. The wrong words could be worse than a nightmare.
"I really don't know what would have happened between us. I imagine there would be more days like this, where it would be just the two of us having fun, with no worries, nothing to keep us back." she said softly.

In an even softer voice, as she shuffled her paws and looked toward the ground she murmered, "And we could possibly be more than just friends."

[:c a i:]

As soon as he heard her start speaking, Bramblestripe flicked his gaze back onto Ashstar. His expression was a curious blend of hope, pain, sadness and regret. He hated himself for bringing the subject up, yet he simultaneously rejoiced at her words. More than friends. She felt it too. But this was dangerous ground he was treading. He looked away, his eyes darkened in agonised longing. Why must things be so hard for him? Why did he have to want what he knew he could not have?

He did not say a word for long moments after Ashstar stopped speaking, trying to gather his thoughts and manage to salvage the self-control which had spiralled out of his grasp and made him press this topic. Made him seek what he should not, what was not safe to approach. And knowing that Ashstar did not feel differently to him made things so, so complicated. He knew now that they were both denying what they wanted, both were forced to be apart because Ashstar had the Clan to think of before herself. And him.

How could things ever work? Ashstar was leader. That meant she had to put the Clan before anything else, and Bramblestripe certainly did not want to be second-best. Though he would always love Ashstar first and foremost, he could not matter more to her than ThunderClan, could he? He wished it were possible for her to love both at the same time. Turning his anguished gaze from the she-cat up to the sky, he silently begged his ancestors to forgive him his next move.

"I love you." He spoke barely audibly, his voice low and rushed. Why, oh why had he said that? Why? He knew what trouble it would entail, and he knew that Ashstar's only possible response could be rejection. She was never allowed to be with him, he had told him that every day as he watched her lead the Clan, watched her slip away from him. But he had taken the plunge, and in some strange way it was like many moons of hurt had been eased. Perhaps now all was in the open, his heart would heal.

[Amber]

Oh no, had those words escaped from her mouth? Great, now she was making herself look like a mousebrained idiot. She couldn't believe how stupid she had just been. That was even worse than thinking she could stand up to a badger as a kit. She shivered at the thought. She really needed to learn to control what she said, and not just speak the first thing that came into her mind. Then again, she usually wasn't one to hold back. Now she was acting all confused and blurting out things that needed to stay in her head? There must be something wrong with her, it was only conclusion the she-cat could come up with.

Even though they were barely audible the three words that the tom had said lingered in her mind. Nothing in her life could prepare her for those words. Never had she thought she would hear a cat say that to her. Her of all cats! She looked up from the very nice pebble she had been staring at and stared at Bramblestripe for several moments. Her best friend, her other brother, the one cat she had ever trusted with everything. She couldn't admit her true feelings for him, not with her being leader. What kind of chaos would this cause? She shuddered at the thought. It didn't matter anymore, she couldn't take letting this cat slip away from her again. Forget the stupid rules for one moment, in this moment she had to be something other than a leader.

"I've loved you for longer than you can imagine." she whispered. Ashstar couldn't get her voice to be more than a whisper right now, she was still in shock that he actually loved her, which really brought a smile to her face.

[:c a i:]

Bramblestripe was fairly sure he could be knocked down with a sparrow's feather in that moment, for he was completely shocked. A part of him was rejoicing, yes, but a part of him was also filled with foreboding. "No good can come of this" a little voice inside himself whispered. "You'll only end up getting hurt, Bramblestripe. And he knew that the voice was probably right. But there was no way, no way that he would let this pass by. He had wanted it too much for too long to back away through fear. But... Could this happen?

"You... I... Ashstar..." He murmured, his emotions warring with one another inside himself. He just loved her so much, he would risk anything and everything to be with her. "But... What can come of this?" He let out a sorrowful sigh. "I want us to be mates, I do, Ashstar, I've wanted that since we were apprentices. You don't know how I've just watched you, hating the day you became deputy because I knew that was the day which promised you would never be more than my friend. But hearing you say that, I can't deny what I want." His last words faded into a broken murmur from his impassioned outburst.

"What do we do, Ashstar? How could anyone ever forgive us if we broke the Warrior Code. Forgive you." He swallowed. "You know what us becoming more than friends would mean." And he knew the bitter truths well, for he had run them through his mind a thousand times. He cursed himself for being weak enough to pursue this, weak enough to draw Ashstar's love from where it must have lain, silent, just like his.

[Amber]

The question he asked hit her hard. What could be done with this? She knew there was no possible way for them to be together and StarClan agree with them. "I don't know what we can do, but surely there is a way." she said, trying to keep positive. Now that she knew that he loved her like she loved him, there was no way she could go back. Nothing could make her forget this day. She would never want to.

So he had felt the connection as apprentices like she had. It wasn't just her imagination. "You know more than anything, I would love to be your mate. I can't believe we are even in this predicament. Why did I have to be leader. It should have been my brother. He is too obsessed with the Clan anyways." she let out a long sigh. This was just too hard.

"Your questions are also bothering me. I wish I could answer them and say that everything would be okay. But it's not. I do have a solution, which you probably won't like, but I'm willing to risk it if it means we can be together. You are the one cat in my life I don't ever want to lose. Maybe we could be mates, just not tell anyone. I know this would involve lying to our friends, and well Frostwind, but if we ignore our feelings then we would just be lying to ourselves. Surely StarClan wouldn't want us lying to ourselves." Ashstar spoke quickly.

"You know me better than I know myself. And I know you. We are a lot* alike. When we want something we get it, but this time why should we have to suffer? What is the harm in just sneaking around?" she queried.

[:c a i:]

Bramblestripe moved closer to Ashstar, slowly, slowly pressing his nose to her cheek. "I can't live without you." He told her softly. It was no exaggerration, for he was fairly sure that now he knew the truth he would never be able to give her up. He could not stand by and know that both he and Ashstar wanted to be together but were prevented because of what every other cat would think.

"We will find a way." He sighed. "We have to. I'm not going to let anything stop us being together. Not now." It was a promise he hoped fervently he would be able to keep. They had both suddenly placed their paws firmly on a terribly dangerous path. They walked, side by side, straight into a hazardous forest of obstacles and defiance. Defiance of the Warrior Code, something Bramblestripe had always abhorred. He was split inside; one part of him wanted to just rush into Ashstar being his mate, not letting anything stop them, whilst the other part whispered the danger into his heart and told him they would both be exiled because of this.

"I will do anything to be with you." He promised her. "We will be mates, Ashstar, one way or another." They would have to be careful to extremes they had never had to face before. If any cat found out about what was going on between them, their fate would be unpleasant indeed. And Frostwind... Bramblestripe cringed at the thought of deceiving his old, best friend. How could he look him in the eyes, knowing he was walking with his sister into defying StarClan itself? But maybe Ashstar was right, their ancestors could not really want them both to be heartbroken? Both to be denied what they really wanted.

"Our secret will be safe." Bramblestripe pushed away the doubts. This was his choice, and he would not regret it.

[Amber]

"And you think I can live without you? Look at how I have been these past moons. Ever since I was made deputy I have been a neurotic freak, but the moment I saw you again, it just gave me hope. And now I have hope not only for myself, but for us aswell." she murmered.

Ashstar froze for a moment. Never had she broke the warrior code before. She had grown up a leader's kit, which meant following every rule to the extent of them, and now here she was about to break possibly the biggest one out of them all. Was she dreaming or was this all real? She couldn't tell at this very moment.

Having his nose on her cheek sent more emotions than she ever thought she had rushing into overdrive. This really would be worth it, not just because it was something she had wanted for so long, but because she was with Bramblestripe. The gray she-cat drove her own nose into his muzzle and as his scent washed into her nose, it was overwhelming, but in a good way. This feeling caused the she-cat to purr, more than she ever had before.

"I would do anything to stay with you. I'm not letting you go ever again. You really don't know what you just got yourself into." she said chuckling a little. Then again, she didn't know what she had gotten her own self into. But at this moment and time she didn't really care. Not when she was with Bramblestripe.

"You have no clue how long I have waited to hear you say that we would be mates. It really is...better than I could imagine." and for once the she-cat was struggling over words. "Everything will turn out alright because I love you more than I have loved anyone else." she added.