Wishing, Worrying, and Waiting

[Amber]

Shuffling paws signaled that the tom was finally back. Thank StarClan for that! Ashstar was only able to start on the nursery wall before running out of brambles and branches. That brother of hers had been gone way too long for just gathering a few branches. Becoming a bit impatient, the she-cat had made her way to the fresh-kill pile to inspect it. Not much was left, just a couple of small mice, hopefully the cats out hunting would be back soon.

The gray she-cat walked around to each of the dens, looking inside for any stragglers, cats not doing anything. She had been interrupted by the sound of the pawsteps she knew better than anyone else. Frostwind had finally returned.

Ashstar padded up to her brother, a smile on her face, happy to see he was back. Although she was worried about the patrol in ShadowClan, she knew her deputy could handle everything. Would they be back in time for the gathering tonight? She hoped so, with so few cats it would be hard to keep everything together.

"Please tell me you have more than that." she said glancing at the branches in his mouth. "That isn't even enough to fill up a part of the wall." she murmered.


Frostwind shook his head and set down the branches. "This is all I have gathered for now. Rainstorm and Rabbitheart are out looking for brambles. I ran into them and Tigerheart who were out hunting. Tigerheart should be back any moment bringing back the prey. " he said glancing at his sister.
As if able to sense the tension, he padded closer and gave her a quick lick. "Everything will be alright. Shadowstorm will bring everyone back safely." he murmered.
"I'm going to go use these branches to fix up what I can of the wall, you need a rest, you haven't stopped all day." the white tom said glaring for a moment, then picking up his pile and going toward the nursery.

Ashstar was glad for the comfort. "I'll rest when everyone is safe and home." she replied, watching him go toward the nursery. At least there was some prey that was being brought back, and Frostwind had gotten some branches for the nursery. He was right, though, she didn't need to worry too much.

[:c a i:]

He spotted her from many paces away. How could he not? After spending so many moons with her, padding after her, silently longing for her, Bramblestripe knew her scent and shape instantly. Even if she she were surrounded by a hundred cats, he would know exactly where she was, though he tried to stop noticing her. Just like he tried not to go up to her. Tried to make himself turn away.

But he lost his battle against himself and found his paws moving beyond the fresh-kill pile, past all the dens whilst staying well out of Frostwind's way. He did not wish to speak to his old friend at the moment, not when he was so troubled inside because of his sister. He had managed to avoid both siblings for days, judging it best for both of them. Well. For him. It was likely that she - he avoided saying and thinking her new name - had scarcely realised that he had not been around. For moons now it had been near impossible to spend time with her. Always busy, always out, always thinking about what she had to do next. And so he had let things between them drift away, hoping he would be able to move on just as she seemed to have.

He was close now, but just beyond her detection. She wouldn't have noticed him yet. She was worrying about something, though he was hardly surprised. She would be thinking of the cats away from camp, knowing her (which he did). And Frostwind had headed off towards the nursery, no doubt to fix the damaged wall. Bramblestripe sat where he was for several long moments, waiting for his scent to reach her and for her to turn around. He could not bring himself to be the one to approach her. Not this time.

[Amber]

The she-cat had already begun to worry again. The thoughts of if the patrols would make it back were fresh in her mind. They just had to make it back, she would go mental if they didn't. Staying positive for more than two seconds was hard at this time. Frostwind usually knew exactly what to say, but she didn't want to bother her brother, he was doing something she had been meaning to do.

Before she could move a pawstep in his direction a familiar scent caught her nose. It was a scent as recognizable as her own brother's. A scent that she remembered from kithood. A smile snuck onto her face as the memories flooded her mind. Ashstar's eyes glanced around wondering where it was coming from.

A wave of guilt struck her. She knew exactly who it belonged to. How could she forget about her best friend, the cat who was like her second brother. She had grown up with him, and now she had neglected him for the past few moons. She felt like a mousebrain.

Her heart seemed to skip a beat as she followed her nose. The gray she-cat trotted in the direction and a purr rumbled in her throat. "Bramblestripe!" she exclaimed, suddenly feeling like a kit again.

Ashstar ran to him, tackling the tom. "I'm so sorry. I can't believe I have forgotten about you. I'm such a mousebrain!" she exclaimed. The memories just came flooding, all the times she had spent with this tom.

[:c a i:]

It took nothing more than a few words for everything to be forgotten. Bramblestripe despaired somewhere deep inside as he realised the hopelessness of his situation. He had carefully built up walls, tried to keep himself distant from her. Everything he had been working to do was crushed in a simple movement. The moment he felt her touch him, he was lost again. He couldn't prevent himself from answering her purr, from relaxing and allowing her right back into his heart.

He hadn't moved on. In fact, he had been deluding himself to think that he ever would. No. It would seem that he was destined to watch over Ashstar, to love her unconditionally from a safe distance. Bramblestripe was beyond forgetting her and he knew that if he failed to push her away this time, that would be it. He would not be able to put her behind him, ever.

"Ashstar." He murmured, pressing his nose to her fur as she bowled into him. "I know you have been busy." He said quietly. He did understand how much she had to handle, and she was so young too. He doubted he could handle leading the whole Clan and could not truly understand her burdens. "I understand that the Clan comes before anything." He could not keep the tinge of bitterness from his voice. Oh, how different things could have been. If only some other cat had been made deputy all those moons ago. If only.

[Amber]

Ashstar had been consumed with memories she had barely heard him speak. Just hearing his voice had lifted any previous worry. What was with him and Frostwind being able to make her completely forget? Well, Bramblestripe made her completely forget about her worries, Frostwind just surpressed them. Nothing could have made her happier in this moment.

Staring into his eyes almost took her breath away. It brought back all those feelings she felt for him as an apprentice and even while she was a warrior. "Yes, but that is no reason to ignore the only cat in my life who means the world to me." she muttered. It was true, he was as much of a brother to her as Frostwind was, okay so maybe he was a bit more in her mind.

"That's just some psychobabble my father used to tell me. The Clan should come before everything and anyone, but without having you with me has left some sort of hole. It's really hard to describe. I miss being able to hunt and train with you. Really I have just missed my best friend." Ashstar couldn't be more serious than in this moment. It had always been hard for her to put on a serious face, before Shadestar had passed away she had been one of those happy-go-lucky carefree cats, but now with so much responsibility...

"I think my father was wrong with saying the Clan comes first. I don't think it applies to a cat who has lost almost everything. All that I have left in my family is you and my brother who thinks I'm still some helpless kit. I can never be more sorry for ignoring you than I am at this moment. It just feels right."

[:c a i:]

Bramblestripe's eyes bore a complex mixture of sorrow, understanding and love. He held Ashstar's gaze for a long, heavy moment, saying nothing as he tried to tell her without speaking what he had wanted to say for all these moons. And then he broke away, fearful as to what he might have given away. He would not further add to the weight on Ashstar's shoulders by burdening her with his true feelings. It was neither fair, nor sensible. Nothing could come of it and it was better not to add his problems to Ashstar's.

"Your father was right." He said in a sad, but firm voice. "The Clan has to be your top priority now. You knew that when you accepted the position of deputy, all those moons ago." He reminded her gently. "I know how you feel, I miss you too." Oh, if only she knew just how much, he thought. "As for Frostwind... You know how much he loves you." He smiled faintly. "He and I both would do anything for you." He told her. It was the raw truth; he would do anything for Ashstar. One word from her and he was helpless. He would never be able to refuse her anything.

And that was a dangerous thing. Because it showed just how lost to her he was. He let out a heavy sigh, wondering what he was doing. For the thousandth time he told himself he was stupid, said he should tell her he had to go, walk away and move on. Find a she-cat who was not so untouchable and one that did not have an entire Clan to put before any tom. And for the thousandth time he ignored himself and stayed exactly where he was.

"So what's on your mind?" He curled his tail about himself. "Let me guess: You're worried about Earthfoot and the others?" That would be about right. She was always worrying about cats who weren't in camp, afraid that something terrible would befall them. "You know they will be fine and you know Shadowstorm will handle anything those ShadowClan cats can throw out." He smiled reassuringly. "I think you need to relax." He meowed. For it looked as if Ashstar had not relaxed since the day she became deputy, the very day Bramblestripe's hopes were dashed. A fateful day indeed.

[Amber]

Ashstar knew that what Bramblestripe was saying was the truth. But she didn't want to give up everything. She barely had a chance to be a warrior before being made deputy. And even a shorter time as deputy than a warrior. She had just gotten used to her deputy duties when Shadestar just had to die.
"I just wish everything could be how it used to be. That stupid sickness wiped out almost all of our Clan. We haven't had any kits born since Patchpaw and no queens either. How am I suppose to lead a Clan destined for failure?" she queried. It was just so easy to admit her problems around him.

"I know you would do anything for me. And I know Frostwind just loves me. I wish he could have been made deputy instead of me. Then I wouldn't have to go through all this worrying, and I would be the one giving him advise. Which would have also meant more time with my best friend." she knew that would never be a reality, but it was worth just thinking it.

Ashstar laughed a bit as he spoke again. He seemed to always know what she was thinking. Was she that easy to read? Or maybe it was just because she had spent every waking moment of her kithood, apprenticeship, and what short warriorhood she had with him.

"That is exactly what Frostwind said to do. He acts as if relaxing is something I can do. You know me, I've never been one to just take life easy. I've always been up to something." she mused.
"I guess I could try. Maybe a patrol will help. You mind coming with me around the borders? I'm hoping that if I go to the borders it will ease my mind." she added.

[:c a i:]

Unease was evident in Bramblestripe's face as he listened to Ashstar's worries. He too had, though he tried not to think too hard about it, noticed the deficiency of youngsters being born to ThunderClan, and the lack of she-cats was really rather worrying. He sighed again, wishing he could come up with the perfect solution, just so he could see that worried frown disappear from Ashstar's brow and make everything all right. But he could not put ThunderClan right; it would take all of them together.

"We will get through it." He said simply. "StarClan will help us. ThunderClan is never destined for failure." His words were strong, though there was a little flicker of doubt inside him. He felt something drastic would have to happen in ThunderClan to fix their problems and could only hope that a solution would present itself in due time. "You don't wish you weren't leader, Ashstar. You know you were meant for the responsibility, even if at times you hate it." He murmured sympathetically.

"I think that's a good idea. Come on, we'll get moving." He nodded, brushing his pelt against hers briefly. "Just promise me that you won't be fretting about your thousand-and-one problems whilst we're going." He playfully chastised her. He knew how she would worry about things, even when she was busy doing something else. At this moment, he wanted her attention to be on him, even if warning bells were ringing about his going out alone with her. He had tried to avoid leaving camp alone with her, for it was somewhat easier to pretend everything was all right when he was surrounded by other cats. Yet he would do this, because Ashstar needed it. And that was enough for him.

[Amber]

Ashstar let out a sigh. How could he be so right all the time? Everything he was saying was true. "I don't hate it. I just dislike having to be so serious all the time. It seems I spend more time trying to get everything and everyone in order I don't have time to just be myself. Well you've seen what it has done to me. It lead to me ignoring the one cat in my life I've always been able to count on no matter what." she mewed.

The simple and short touch of his pelt sent her mind into whirling emotions. It made her think of padding side by side eachother as warriors. "Really, your actually coming with me?" surprise was in her voice. Then again, she shouldn't be surprised, not after everything he had done for her.

Ashstar smirked. "I promise, I'll do my best not to worry. With you it's really hard to think about anything but having fun. You seem to make everything come to me in a different perspective. The perspective I used to have."

[:c a i:]

"Things will never stop changing." Bramblestripe told her. It was something he was very familiar with and he had been forced to accept that nothing would ever stay the same for long. "But you can't cling to the past. Believe me, it does nothing more than tear you apart." His eyes were darkened with regret. He wanted Ashstar to be happy, more than anything, but he didn't know how to make things easier for her. In fact, he probably would only make things more difficult.

"Anyway." He said, straightening up and brightening somewhat. "Let's get going. The sooner you relax, the sooner you'll be able to think straight!" He declared, flashing her a grin. "Where do you want to head to?" He asked.

[Amber]

Oh how she knew clinging onto the past wasn't an option. She wished more than anything that both her parents were still alive. Then it would have been possible for her to have a normal life. Her father would still be leader, and she possibly wouldn't have been made deputy. Just the thought on the idea made the she-cat sigh.

"Never say that around Frostwind. He doesn't think I think straight ever." she managed to smile. Ashstar chuckled at the thought. Around Frostwind she was more relaxed than anyone, but now she had completely let her guard down. This was the closest she had come to relaxing in a while.

"I have no clue. I'm up for anywhere but here. We could just walk around and see where our paws take us." she suggested.

[:c a i:]

"Well... Actually, I don't think you do." Bramblestripe teased his friend. It felt good to be spending time with the cat he had known for longer than any other. But being so close to her now, it only brought back painful wishes of what he had to deny himself, what neither of them could have. Ashstar was forbidden to have a mate; Bramblestripe was unwilling to have any other than her. He tried to picture himself with another she-cat, one whom he could love freely and openly declare his feelings for. Tried to erase the picture of Ashstar and him together. Tried and failed.

He shook his head to clear his thoughts. "Let's get going." He sighed, gesturing her to lead the way. She was, after all, leader. It was only fitting, he supposed, for her to be the one to lead their future. Whatever she wanted, he knew he would go along with. Any request she made of him he would grant. "Start clearing that head." He smiled a bittersweet smile, just like he had done a thousand times in the past.

OOC: Want to make a thread somewhere else?

[Amber]

ooc// If you would like to. *shrugs* It doesn't matter to me. Since it's just these two anyways, we could continue on here, whichever confuses you less.

Just let me know and I'll edit my post.

[:c a i:]

OOC: Umm I think we should have them wander out to another place, maybe Sunningrocks or the Owl Tree? Otherwise I'll just feel like they haven't gone anywhere and get confused. ^^