Realization (Mostly for Yellow)

[Amber]

As the light shone in the den, the gray she-cat couldn't help but awake. Little sleep had come to her the previous night, not because it was so close to the gathering and knowing how exciting it was to visit with the other clans. No, it was the lingering feeling she had been having lately. It hadn't bothered her much at first when everyone had found out about her relationship with Bramblestripe. Here she thought it would never be revealed, but how it was she was still a bit puzzled. Though this also meant that she could spend time with the tom and the speculation no longer would be going on. He was officially her mate, and now that the Clan knew, everything would work out, it had to.

Ashstar had never really been one to care what others thought, but it had hurt her a little when she saw the looks some of her clanmates gave her. But her relationship had not changed the fact that she was still leader and was doing her job just like she had before. She was proving to everyone that just because Bramblestripe was her mate and she spent time with him, didn't mean that she wasn't still the leader of ThunderClan. Her brother had been furious, and for once had not slept much, only given her glares. The two toms had been friends, but now Frostwind was determined to stay far away.

Just before the Clan had found out about Bramblestripe, the she-cat had accepted two new cats into the Clan. Two new apprentices for ThunderClan, and the added bonus is one of them was a she-cat. In the future, it meant ThunderClan could survive. She knew some were wondering about her decision, but she did it for the Clan. Even though this was the little she-cat Mudpaw had been talking with the previous moon, she had wandered back into ThunderClan, this time bringing her brother. The tom seemed to be excellent in fighting already, and the she-cat was a bit reluctant toward everything. At best, she probably would only ever be a queen. But Ashstar's mind about the little fluffy apprentice was changed a few days prior. She had become more skilled at hunting, and it was possibly fighting would come along well soon.

Padding out of her den, the she-cat still couldn't shake the feeling she was getting. She couldn't quite put her tail on what it was, or why she was feeling this way. It just felt so strange, something she had never experienced before. Maybe she should talk with Earthfoot. No, it couldn't be serious, and he probably had many things to do. So for now she was content with sitting outside her den and watching her Clan awake. The thought of who was going to the gathering was running in her mind.

[☆ Y e l l o w ☆]

Three weeks had gone by since that first half moon meeting and training with Sagepaw was going excellently. Earthfoot had been steadily growing more relaxed over the past moon, watching the young tom learn so enthusiastically until he was finally able to doubt his worries that Sagepaw would change his mind. By now he hoped it was safe to say that Sagepaw was meant to be a medicine cat, and that he wouldn't regret his choice down the road. By that point it would have been too late. Still, Sagepaw was bright and a quick learner, and the brown tom was surprised with how much he had learned already.

Some other changes recently had been strange. When Ashstar had decided to bring the two young loners into the Clan, Earthfoot had been hesitant. He had even tried to talk her out of it, only guessing what the other Clans would think of them accepting outsiders when they were so small. They would think ThunderClan was desperate for warriors- not that they weren't, but it was a weakness they couldn't afford the other Clans to know- and might even figure out how dangerously low on she-cats they were. But they were taken in anyway, given Clan names, and now Earthfoot was starting to see it might have been a good idea. They were becoming adjusted to Clan life and may turn out to be good warriors. He would have to speak to Ashstar about that and apologize.

As he padded out of his den that morning, Earthfoot noticed the young leader sitting outside of her den. She appeared to be in thought, but since she was out of her den he supposed she wouldn't mind some company. Unless it was Bramblestripe's company she was looking for, he realized with an irritated flick of his ear. Ashstar's relationship with the warrior was none of his business and he knew it wasn't against the code, but Earthfoot couldn't help thinking that it was rather irresponsible of her to have this sort of distraction in such troubling times and when she still should be getting used to leading a Clan. She didn't have the time to be distracted by romance. But alas, he couldn't change that now. He only prayed to StarClan that Ashstar was wise and knew what she was doing. Deciding that he didn't care if she was waiting for Bramblestripe- as she had more important things to worry about, anyway- Earthfoot padded over to her with a greeting.

"Good morning, Ashstar. Mind some company?"

((Is Ashstar starting to show by now or no? I think it would be easier for him to figure it out if she was starting to become a bit pudgy. >3))

[Amber]

Ashstar's thoughts went to Mudpaw. Her apprentice had been doing well this past moon, he had accepted his punishment and had done quite well. She was proud of him, and she had no reason to keep him in the apprentice den any longer. He was ready to become a warrior. The leader had kept him in the apprentices den, only because of the little loner. The little thing was so scared at first, but was warming up to the Clan now, and she felt the two could do with some separation until Lilypaw was a little older. The ceremony would be held shortly, she just needed to catch her breath a little, possibly relax.

"Ashstar you need to get it together, stop being so tired, you can fight it, just keep going. Nothing is wrong with you, you are the only one standing in your way." the gray she-cat muttered to herself. Her fatigue would wear down eventually, it was probably just her pushing herself so hard and trying to be just like her father. Yes, that was a diagnosis that she could work with. She didn't have the time to be sick anyway, not and lead the Clan. Ignoring everything was something she could deal with, it wasn't like she could be like her brother and just take a nap whenever she felt like it. Leading a Clan was hard work, and especially hard for such a young she-cat.

As pawsteps approached, she continued to mutter to herself words of encouragement, up until she was spoken to. Noticing it was Earthfoot she sighed with relief. At least it wasn't Frostwind, her brother would have called her mental. "Sorry about that, just having a conversation with myself." she mused. At his inquiry she shook her head. "Not at all, I could use some good company."

Figuring she better start off somewhere she decided on a safe subject. "How's Sagepaw been doing in his training?"

[☆ Y e l l o w ☆]

Earthfoot gave the young leader a curious look, clearly wondering why the she-cat had just been talking to herself. Perhaps her mind was so busy that she had to speak out loud to keep everything on track. At least, he hoped it was something like that. And hopefully the pressure wasn't too much on her so far, though he intended to find out sometime in this conversation. Nodding a greeting he settled himself beside Ashstar, wrapping his tail around his dark paws and looking over at the grey she-cat. She appeared to be a bit worn out, but that was to be expected with the stress she must be going through. Leading a Clan was not easy, or so he assumed, and on top of being extremely young for a leader and dealing with a Clan of considerably smaller numbers than the others was likely worrying her.

He meant to ask her how she was doing, but was first asked a question himself. It took him no time to reply, "Sagepaw is doing very well. He's already learned the basics and started to memorize herbs," The medicine cat purred. "I'm glad I took him as my apprentice. He would have made a fine warrior apprentice but I believe the path of healing is his calling."

That was enough of an explanation, he decided. Now it was time to question her. "What about you, Ashstar?" Earthfoot asked. "How are you handling being a leader? It's not too much to deal with, I hope."

[Amber]

Ashstar chuckled to herself here she was saying Frostwind would call HER insane. He was the one who slept all day, and whom she practically had to force to get out of his nest each morning...or was it afternoon by the time she could get that white bottom moving? It was getting harder and harder it seemed to get him to wake up. Maybe she could get one of the apprentices to wake him up, after he had retreated and decided to take a overextended nap. It would serve him right. And she would need a patrol to go out soon, he would be a perfect candidate to go.

"I'm glad to hear you have found an apprentice to train. I was hoping that taking on Sagepaw would be beneficial, and it seems it was the right choice. It's nice to know that all of the apprentices are doing well." Yes, young Sagepaw probably would have made a wonderful warrior apprentice, and it wasn't any secret that ThunderClan needed warriors. But medicine cats were also important, and if they wanted the Clan to grow they needed to make sure less cats became sick. It was Sagepaw's decision, and the young tom had obviously chosen his calling.

And now she was being questions. Should she be truthful? What should she say, that she had not been feeling well? No, she was sure that was just stress. Nothing to be too concerned about. "How am I handling being a leader? I feel like a massive failure most of the time, no matter what I do I can't seem to stop the Clan from declining in numbers. And when I decide to try and expand the Clan by allowing two loners into the Clan it seems to cause even more controversy. Though the two do seem to be handling it well, and I am quite proud of them." The gray she-cat sighed. It actually felt good to get some of this off her shoulders. "It's nothing I can't handle. I know if I just keep pushing myself the stress will wear down and hopefully turn the Clan around. It's moving in the right direction, but is that enough?" Ashstar's gaze turned from her paws to Earthfoot. Oh well, why not. Maybe he could solve her problem. "I've been slowing down lately, which is not something I am enjoying. I thought it was because of stress, but if I'm being honest I haven't had too much stress lately. Please tell me it's nothing and I am just imagining things. I can't afford to get sick. The Clan needs me."

[☆ Y e l l o w ☆]

Earthfoot's ears flicked back as soon as Ashstar started to speak. For a moment he didn't know what to say in response as the young leader vented her worries, wondering if this was the way she truly thought or if she was just having a difficult day. Either was a possibility, but a distressed leader was never a good thing for whatever reason.

"I think you're doing a good job as a leader, Ashstar," He began. "The entire Clan is stressed right now; we're smaller than the others, have been going through hard times, ShadowClan is growing stronger every day, and they just lost their leader. They're still adjusting to all of the losses. You can't be too hard on yourself; soon they'll see that you can be just a capable leader as Shadestar was."

...Well. He didn't often give pep talks like that, and Earthfoot was feeling rather odd by the time he finished. Pushing the feeling away, though, he calmed a bit and continued. "It probably is stress. You need to keep yourself healthy; luckily it is still greenleaf and we have some time before the weather turns worse. Make sure you're eating enough and getting enough sleep. And as difficult as it sounds, relax." No, the Clan couldn't afford to have an ill leader. As difficult as it must be for Ashstar to adjust to being leader, she couldn't let it overwhelm her.

((Such a crappy post, I'm sorry. My muse is at a complete flop and Earthfoot is not acting like himself. -_-)

[Amber]

Ashstar didn't realize just how worried she had been lately. It seemed that they all just flowed out of her mouth so smoothly without effort. She had not wanted to bother her mate with any of these concerns, and like her usual self had kept everything inside.

As a warrior she had been so easy to read, it didn't take much at all for anyone to know what she was thinking. Then her uncle had become sick, and that had calmed down her wayward ways some, but the death of her father's deputy had sent another shock into her. The deputy had been so strong. Shortly after that her father passed along, and now here she was unable to even think clearly. The death of her father had scared her so much that she didn't feel a need to express emotions too much. She just put on a smile and continued to go along even when she was tired.

Listening to the medicine cat had calmed the she-cat a little. Earthfoot was right, besides he knew what he was talking about, he had been there for her father. "Thank you for those kind words. I just wish I could believe them. I try to be a good leader, but our Clan in dwindling in numbers, and the other clans know, it won't be long before we are invaded." She knew it was only a matter of time before any of the other clans wanted to claim ThunderClan land. How could they defend it? There was barely enough warriors to do the simple tasks. "I have moments when I can almost swear I see my father beside me, trying to help me. But then before I know it he disappears."


At least he agreed with her assessment of herself. Just stress. "Sleep doesn't seem to be a problem for me. I think I am turning into Frostwind, the lazy furball." she chuckled at the thought of her brother. "Lately I think I sleep almost as much as he does. But I probably should make sure not to skip eating. As for relaxing, I'll try my best with that one, no promises though. Earthfoot what would I do without you to calm me down?" Ashstar felt much better. She just needed to follow the medicine cat's advice. And she would do exactly that if it would make her a better leader.

[☆ Y e l l o w ☆]

Earthfoot perked his ears a bit, curious at Ashstar's comment about her father. It was entirely possible that she was receiving visions from StarClan, and from Shadestar in particular, although it was very unusual for anyone but a medicine cat to receive visions when not at the Moonstone or sleeping. It could be her imagination, or it could be her father wanting to truly help her, he didn't know. It was an interesting thought, but he didn't have much time to think about it with the current conversation at hand.

Greenleaf was an easy time for ThunderClan, especially this one with the Clan being so small. There was more than enough prey to go around, and although their much larger enemies were intimidating, there had been little drama recently between Clans. It was easy to relax, so he didn't think much of the extra sleeping. But, for some reason a worry pricked in his mind about her eating habits. She'd said that she would make sure to keep eating regularly, but from the look of her as he quickly glanced over her stomach, was that she was eating quite fine. In fact, even for greenleaf, she looked a little plump to him. Strange.

"No need to thank me, it's what a medicine cat does. I tried to help out your father as much as I could and it's my job to help you too." he meowed, though he dipped his head a bit as a sign of thanks. "Just... keep your Clan in mind. They need you. And try not to let this... relationship with Bramblestripe cloud your judgment. You can't afford to be distracted."

[Amber]

Ashstar was truly lucky to have a medicine cat like Earthfoot. Like he had said, he had helped her father, and she had witnessed it. She knew her father had trusted Earthfoot, and trusting the tom was easy for her. The leader was grateful for Earthfoot's advice, who wouldn't be? "And I know that my father appreciated your help as much as I do."

Well he was definitely right that the Clan needed her. That one was quite obvious. Without a leader it would be complete chaos. She had told her father she would look after his Clan, and she wasn't going to back down on that promise. He had given her one of her lives, after all, and appointed her his deputy. Surely he had faith in her.

Bramblestripe? Why was he bringing up...oh yes. She did seem to be a bit distracted by him when they had first become mates. Now they seemed to be in a comfortable rhythm. "You won't have to worry about Bramblestripe. He knows I have my job to do, and he has his. We trust eachother and work well together." she purred as she remembered a hunting patrol they had shared. "The Clan still comes first in my mind, it is my main priority. And Bramblestripe isn't a distraction, he keeps me on track. He makes me think back to when we were apprentices and all the good times we have had together, not dwelling on all the negative things that have happened lately." Her whiskers twitched in amusement as one of those memories entered her mind.

((Icky post, I know. Stupid mind block.))

[☆ Y e l l o w ☆]

Earthfoot watched the young leader carefully, taking in her words as he thought. Whether or not it was a wise idea to get involved in a relationship so quickly after becoming leader- and so young- he was satisfied to know that Ashstar realized her true responsibilities. Times may have been relatively easy now, but leafbare was on the way, and he couldn't shake the feeling that the other, larger Clans might see leafbare as an opportunity to pick at the small Clan. She needed to focus on her Clan and making it strong- or at least strong enough to stand a chance against ShadowClan- without such a distraction. Then again, what did he know of relationships? He was only a medicine cat. If there was one thing he had no experience giving advice in, it was that. Still, you didn't need to be in a relationship to see what kinds of things could come from one.

Snapping out of his thoughts, Earthfoot nodded. "That's good to hear. I trust your judgment, then. Now I suppose I should go check to see if Sagepaw is still sleeping, unless there was anything else you wanted to talk about?" He started to stand up, as if to head back to his den, but glanced back as he paused.