Snowflower of ShadowClan(DONE)

[breezychan]

Name: Snowflower
Age: 35 Moons old
Gender: Female
Clan: ShadowClan
Rank: Warrior
Apprentice: None/open
Love Interest: None/open
Kin: Adopted Brother's Stoneclaw and Shadefoot

Description: Snowflower is a small she cat for her age and is tall for her age. She has long legs and tail; her paws are a little big. Snowflower has dust brown on her back and head, the rest of her is white fur. She has bright blue eyes. Snowflower has slight muscle that ripples through out her soft pelt. Her eyes are a duller green when sad and look much brighter when angry. Snowflower has few scars. She has a scar on her left hind leg and on her right front shoulder. Snowflower is slim for fast hunting and also for fast fighting moves. Her blue eyes glow when angry and dull when sad. Her whole tail is a light dusty brown color. Snowflower has long legs and a long tail. She has slight muscle that ripples through out her beautiful soft pelt. She has white claws, which are white as snow and clear as ice.

Personality: Snowflower is a kind little she cat and loves her Clan. She is very loyal only to ShadowClan. She helps where is needed and if that means watching kits for a queen then she didn't care. She knew it was important to the Clan for the kits to stay alive and cared for. She never lost her temper with kits are apprentices. But she will lose her temper with other warriors; if the say the wrong thing. She will loss it and is yelling at you for whatever the reason. She doesn't trust other Clan cats besides her own Clan mates. They have been there for her since birth and even after the deaths of her parents. Snowflower like to be left alone a lot of the time. But wasn't beyond spending time with her adopted brothers. They were all she had of her family now; even if they weren't not by blood. She kept to herself when around other cats from another Clan. Never speaking to them and never looking at them at all.

History: Snowflower was born to two very loyal ShadowClan warriors and turned out to be their only kit. Her mother Lillybud had problems during her kittening with Snowkit at the time. Her father Darkcloud mourned the loss of having any more kits with Lillybud. Both were heart broken when the medicine cat said that they wouldn't be able to have any more. Otherwise it would kill Lillybud to have another litter and the kits would most likely die too. Both were very sad at the new, but loved Snowkit with all their hearts. They never said no to her in less it was harmful to her life and both warriors played with her to keep Snowkit from leaving camp. It worked like this for a long time and Snowkit stayed in camp playing with other kits her age. Snowkit never disobeyed her parents or any cat older then herself. Elders even said that she was a very well-mannered kit for such a young age.

Snowkits Clan mates were proud to brag about her at gatherings and to talk about her with warriors from other clans. One day when it was Snowkits 4th moon and she was laying in the sun with her mother. She sensed that something was very wrong. The scent on the wind was strange. She didn't like it and for the first time even, Snowkit was bad because of this bad feeling about her father that she had. Snowkit ran around the camp and looked for her father "Daddy, Daddy where are you" she cried out with worry and fear. Her Clan mates heard it and a few went looking outside of the camp. Even though she was being bad for the first time even, Snowkit knew never to leave camp until she was old enough too.

Lillybud had picked her up and taken Snowkit to the nursery to try to calm her kit down. But just before they went in, Snowkit broke free and started to run for the main opening of ShadowClan. A patrol walked in at the very moment to see her. Snowkits blue eyes widen with shock at what she saw. In between two of the warriors who knew her father saw well was the body of a light brown tabby cat with blood dripping off of him. She started to breath heavy with the knowing that it was her father they carried and that she now knew what that feeling was. Snowkit had felt like something terrible was happening to her father. Not knowing what to do with the feeling or who to tell, it had come true.

Tears ran down Snowkits little muzzle with pain clear in her blue eyes. Her Clan mates told her how sorry they were for her and her mother’s lose. Snowkit didn't want their pity; she wanted her father back and with them. Not in StarClan, not with anyone she looked at her mother as she cried over her mate and Snowkit decided than that she would be Strong for her mother. Her father can watch over them from starclan and also it would Darkcloud proud of her. Snowkit had lain beside her mother that day and part of the night before Darkcloud was taken away for his final resting place. It hurt for moons after that and it was hard to not think of him.

It was like try forgetting her own name and pushing it away as if it never meant anything to her. Snowkits father was her world and so is her mother. Snowkit knew that her mother would never have any other kits and that it hurt her parents. But knew they would always feel blessed to have her, even if just her. Snowkit grew to become a wonderful young apprentice at six moons old. Her mother was very proud and very pleased with who was to train her. It happens to be one of her father's two friends. They old she cat was very kind, if hard on Snowpaw during training and always telling her to try her best. Snowpaw made a couple of friends during her apprenticeship and she really liked them. One day when it her apprenticeship was coming to an end, a group of Rogues attacked the patrol she was in with her mentor, mother and friends. It was a hard battle, but she kept her cool. Snowpaw ended up killing a rogue who attacked her mother.

By the end of the fight back up had showed up to help those left of the patrol. Snowpaw was limping and looking for her friends or mother. Her mentor was beside her, so she didn't worry about them. But just as she turning, a smell of blood and fear filled her nose. Snowpaw walked as if in a trance. She walk over to a bush and what she found behind it, will forever be on her mind. It was the dead bodies of her mother and two friends. Snowpaw cried out in a pain at the sight. It was just like when her father dead, during battle she had a bad feeling again. But this time it was pointing to-wards her mother and friends. Snowpaw actually helped with carrying her mother's body. Her mentor helped with her friends bodies and was gentle. After they were finally put to rest; Snowpaw mourned the whole night and didn't sleep at all. It was two or three days after their deaths that her leader gave Snowpaw her new name. It was Snowflower and life moved on as she was finally a warrior. But neither of her parents or her two friends was there to feel happy with her.

Other: both her parents are dead and so are her brother's

Roleplay Example: Please look at Badgerclaw's Bio

[:c a i:]

I find it interesting that you've created a ShadowClan she-cat when they're listed as banned in the Clan Allegiances. I believe it also mentions that excessively nice cats are also not currently wanted in ShadowClan, which means that this cat is doubly unsuitable, I'm afraid. Seems to me that you didn't read through the information I told you to. Interesting. :] But we'll see what Yoko says about it. Yoko, I hope you won't take offence at me randomly inspecting this bio.

Apart from the issue of she-cats not being allowed, I see a swarm of scattered errors with participles, capital letters, apostrophes, pluralisations and further grammatical issues. I feel she is venturing into Mary-Sue territory, too, since her single flaw seems to be that she has a "hot head" which is rather negated by the fact that she is also described as appearing calm. Everything else appears rather overly sweet, nice, gifted and gentle, given that you call her "one of the best" at hunting and fighting, as well as being great with kits and apprentices. And then she has that tragic backstory, which feeds into the Mary-Sue picture.

Apologies for the pickiness. :]

[Yoko]

Thank you Cai.

A few things, even though we're not quite on this bio yet.

1. I want you to start thinking of a new personality. Don't rewrite anything yet, just plan it out. Think of five big traits that can really stand out. PLEASE DO NOT SAY "Nice" or "Kind" or "Gentle". This she-cat's history is tragic and harsh, how has that affected her personality? It also helps if you think of what she likes and dislikes, her favorite food? What kind of toms does she like? Is she a better hunter or fighter? What does she want to be most in the whole world?

2. She-cat ban is lifted and I see the ages have been upped as I asked.

3. All of the stuff that we fixed in Shadefoot's bio, start looking for that in Snowflower's bio. Any words you misspelled last time, make sure they're right this time in Personality and Description (Capitalized because they are specific sections of the bio). Remember apostrophes (') are only for contractions or possession. They are not to show that there is more than one thing.

That's all for now, I'll do a detailed grading later.