Lunacy [Silverleaf & Icetail]

[:c a i:]

The night was cold today. Or at least it felt that way to Silverleaf. She sat alone, her body hunched and curled in itself, shuddering slightly in a corner of the den. She stared at the few cats around her with a blank expression, nearly jumping at the slightest sound. She couldn't believe what she'd done. She was horrified and confused and hurt and she hated herself for what she had allowed to happen. What she had made happen. How could she have done something like that? She felt sick with the knowledge that she had done so wrong. She had betrayed Rainfur's memory in a moment of insanity, and now look where she was. A shaking mess on the floor of the warriors' den.

But in spite of her self-hatred, there was an unwanted part of her which crowed with triumph and sent a flash of something through her. What was it? Excitement? Exhilaration? Silverleaf couldn't say what it was, but it terrified and appalled her. She hated that she had liked what had happened even at all, and she swallowed painfully, her large eyes looking too big in her gaunt face. What she had done today was wrong. It was shameful and immoral, but it had been bliss. Yes, it was only for a brief moment; one little snatch of relief before the self-loathing started again, but she craved it.

Silverleaf tried to ignore the voice which whispered "Didn't you like it?" and "There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel better...". She truly tried to keep her mind from going hazy with that same madness which had led her to behave so terribly earlier, out in the forest.

But she couldn't. In the end, she just couldn't bear feeling so alone anymore, and she couldn't stop her paws from taking her over to the cat she'd had her eye on all evening. A solitary white, white cat. She stood in front of him, her blood racing through her veins, and she stared straight at him. No words. No protests. No complications. She beckoned with her tail to him, padding shakily out of the den and bringing him with her into the cool night air...

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[spike]

He ran.

Why do cats always run in dreams?

What was there to run from?

Growling, the white tom came to a halt and whirled around to face whatever it was he was trying to escape. Except nothing was there. Only the trees of SkyClan, the ones he had come to know so well through sight. The world around him was dead silent. Even in the dream world, he heard nothing. But his eyes were not to be discouraged at the thought of losing one scent. His pinkish eyes looked around hastily and then he settled, uneasy but comforted that he was alone. Had his ears worked in the dreams, he would’ve sensed the warrior behind him. The white tom sat, content with licking at his paw then swiping said paw over his ears. It was good to be clean. Very good indeed. He continued his cleaning when suddenly a body brushed up against his. He stiffened, fur standing on end instantly. It was not a rogue or a loner. He sensed this was a member of his Clan.

Head turning sharply, he noticed this was no warrior but a familiar face as well. He stared at her, pinkish eyes blinking away shock. She continued to rub her tail up and down his back, head bumping under his chin. He had never seen a female act like this, not around him.

Icetail was frozen, no pun intended, with fear. The hair along his tail fluffed out as he accepted the attention. This was new. Then she turned her eyes onto him and his jaw dropped in astonishment.

Seems like dreams aren’t so much dreams, not when one wakes to see a face. There was Silverleaf, the cat in his dreams. Why did his dreams have to be predicting dreams? Icetail didn’t yawn nor did he rub sleep away. He was already wide awake and staring up at her. She was beautiful in the moonlight but his heart was racing fearfully for what he might’ve done. Had she seen his dream? Oh, that’d be bad! She beckoned to him though she did not move her mouth like the others did. She just motioned with her tail for him to follow then left. He was up quickly, already knowing the signal. He didn’t know why he had dreamed of her.

Okay, yes, Icetail knew she was a pretty she-cat. However, some part of his mind was saying he needed to attend to her, her wants and needs. But why? Was she hurt? Wouldn’t Frostwing or Sandcloud better for that? He saw them helping the injured before. She was not injured though. No wounds to see. She was nervous. He saw that. Her steps were shaky and uneasy, not at all gentle and moving like most she-cats he had seen.

Unable to resist, he kept his pace as fast as possible without passing her. Instinct drove him to her side, eager to please her. In a friendly fashion, he leaned over and brushed his maw across her shoulder worriedly. He hated seeing others upset and especially a girl. They were so kind to him usually and he was always eager to help.

Still, he couldn’t help wondering why he was so happy to answer her…

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[:c a i:]

Silverleaf stopped thinking the moment she made the decision to lead Icetail out of the den and into the darkness of night. She did not allow herself to think, because if she did, she knew she would be consumed by her shame and she could not bear to regret anything more. Only stopping once she and Icetail were safely in the clinging gloom of the silent darkness, Silverleaf turned to look at him. She smiled bitterly as the poor tom brushed her shoulder, and she felt a stab of guilt. He was so sweet and so innocent. He did not deserve to be dragged into her messy life.

But she had to get what she needed. And Icetail could give her that. It wasn't like she would expect anything from him after tonight anyway. He could just have his fun and forget about it. She would do the same, until the next time she felt lonely again. She breathed in a long breath, her eyes fixed on his, and she ran her tongue over his cheek. Her body language told the tom what her words could not, and she quickly lost herself in a haze of blind lust. It wasn't about Icetail or genuine feeling, and she was sorry for that. She shouldn't be taking advantage of his kind nature, but she was going to do it anyway. This was just about her frustration and despair, her loss and her suffering. If this could give her brief respite from it, then she would seize it with both paws.

Almost roughly, Silverleaf pushed Icetail, taking control. He wouldn't fight her. He wouldn't say no. He'd simply take what she offered him.

He was a tom and he was alive, wasn't he? There was no other response to what she offered.

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[spike]

The tom felt bad. He could not help her to the best of his ability. At least it felt like that. He continued to follow, almost at a worried pace now. She scared him with her actions. Icetail, the deaf tom that only had a heart to live by, continue to wonder what she could possibly need that would require him though. At least she had chosen him! He always did feel useless, warriors going in and out of the camp, coming back with prey and other such things. He couldn’t do that. He didn’t know how to, not the same way they did. He did know that when he stepped on a stick or moved a stone, the prey would feel it (actually hear it though he considered it feeling since he knew no better) and run. So he knew a little but it still didn’t help.

He had no purpose sometimes.

If Buckfur was still alive…

She had stopped once they were in the outskirts of camp, just beyond the sight of others and hidden in the murky darkness of the shadows. The moonlight was flashing down on them, her pelt shimmered in his eyes, her beauty only radiating more. He had always liked she-cats. So pretty, always somehow ending up in a small den where they grew fat before suddenly growing thin then ending up with tiny kits. He didn’t understand the whole process since nobody ever could explain the whole kit thing to him. She was prettier though. He liked silver! And white, not to be biased. He thought it looked like the stars and the moon. He smiled at her, a soft, childish smile that showed everything he was.

The albino cat tilted his head as she licked his cheek. He had not expected this. But some feral part of him wanted to answer. Just… how? His strong shoulders stiffened as he stared at her in bewilderment, her attention on him being a shock. Nobody paid this much attention to him. Nobody. And a selfish part of him yearned to keep it. But he’d have to return the favor, wouldn’t he? How? Oh, Icetail didn’t know a thing about this! He hoped she did. Silverleaf made that clear when she suddenly pushed him, unable to hold himself strong so he fell on his side. He blinked and swallowed the lump growing in his throat.

What to do?

She was so beautiful, so needy. He could feel some instincts rising up and he realized he’d have to act on them if he was to go anywhere with her- friendship or… more. He hastily rose to his paws and leaned over to rub his muzzle against hers, tongue brushing her ear sweetly. She needed something though he couldn’t put a whisker on it. She’d have to lead this little tango they were on but he was willing to comply to whatever she wanted, whatever she needed. He just wanted to see her happy.

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